Waiting Forever

It doesn’t wait until you’re ready. It doesn’t care that you have a million other things going on in your life. It doesn’t take into account the fact that you have a great family, amazing friends, & dreams of becoming a humanitarian, animal advocate, & overall do-gooder who changes the world.

If mental illness waited until you were ready, it would be waiting forever.

Imagine the mental stress of trying to understand quantum physics or memorize the sequence of the entire human genome. As fast as you possibly can. All day, every day. That’s what having anxiety is like. It’s a mental exhaustion that never goes away, not even when you’re sleeping. Your mind is trapped in a cycle of negative cognitions that perpetuate one another & attempting to end the cycle only speeds it up. It’s not only mentally exhausting, but physically as well. You fidget non-stop. You repeatedly tap your feet, touch your hair, click your pen. Sitting still is an impossible & miserable task that makes you feel just as exhausted as the constant movements do. You care about everyone & everything.

Now pair all of that with the mind-numbing emptiness & paralyzing darkness that is depression. The overwhelming sadness & complete lack of motivation to do anything, speak to anyone, or go anywhere that isn’t under your covers occupies every inch of your mind that isn’t already being taken over by anxiety. You feel everything & nothing all at once. You feel like you’re standing in the middle of an overgrown forest with only a pair of scissors to help you cut your way out & escape.

This is my life.

Anxiety & depression didn’t wait for me to have a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad month before making its unwanted appearance in my life. I think it’s always kind of been there; but when you throw in the added stress of college classes, relationships, part-time jobs, & trying to plan your entire life when you can’t even wake up on time, you’ve created the perfect place for mental illness to unpack its bags, kick its dirty feet up on your new white couch, & take over your life.

The stigma that accompanies mental illness is one that I wish so badly to erase completely. Mental illness is no different that any other ailment & most often times those who are affected by it continue to suffer in silence rather than seek help for fear of judgment & shame. I never wanted to be someone who was labeled as mentally ill, depressed, or “emotionally unstable” so I completely ignored my issues, hoping that I would wake up one morning & they would be gone. Well that definitely didn’t happen.

If anything, things only got worse. I found myself locked in my room constantly, completely uninterested in school, & barely eating anything. I didn’t care about my friends, working out, or anything that I had previously taken pleasure in. It was taking every ounce of energy I had just to appear normal. I thought that was just life. I thought that my problems were not real problems & that I was just being a combination of dramatic, lazy, & self-absorbed. The fact that I had nothing-no big, catastrophic life event or personal loss-to be sad or anxious about led me to believe that any doctor would essentially laugh in my face if I sought help. & I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I finally got so tired of feeling the way I did that I made an appointment to see someone. The anxiety I experienced leading up to the appointment had me in the fetal position for hours & I considered canceling at least 15 times. How was I supposed to tell someone I have never met before that I don’t like myself & can’t seem to find a reason for living when I can barely make eye contact with people I’ve known for years? What if he tells me there’s nothing wrong with me? Or worse, what if he thinks I’m crazy?

Thankfully, neither one of those things happened. He acknowledged that I do actually have real problems but that there are real solutions to those problems as well. He listened, asked questions, & handed me tissue after tissue as I cried for reasons I can’t explain to this day (& anyone who knows me will tell you that I despise emotions & definitely do not cry). From that appointment on, things just continued to get better. I was prescribed medication & made follow-up appointments to discuss my progress & the effectiveness of the medications every month. Slowly, I got my life & my happiness back. I didn’t truly realize how horrible I had felt until I just didn’t anymore. I still have bad days but that really is just life & I can’t imagine where I would be if I had canceled that appointment & continued living the way I was.

So this is my advice for anyone dealing with any kind of emotions, feelings, or issues they don’t understand: talk to someone-anyone-because people in your life care about you & I guarantee you aren’t the only one feeling this way. Those feelings won’t go away, they aren’t your fault, & the sooner you address them the sooner you can begin living a life that you wake up every day loving. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help, taking medication, or going to therapy in order to become your best self. You’re worth it & you deserve it.

 

 

*I’ve been working on this post for quite a while now, trying to decide when the best time to publish it would be. This morning, as I was about to leave for class I had panic attack. The thought of going out there & seeing people made me lose it. I just couldn’t do it, even though I had been completely fine with the idea five minutes earlier. So the right time just happened to find me & my anxiety told me yet again that it will never wait for me to be ready. 

 

 

 

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness, below is a list of links to resources that can provide information & assist you in getting help

National Institute of Mental Health website

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website

MentalHealth.gov

National Alliance on Mental Illness website

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

 

 

 

Real Life, Real Problems

When I originally came up with the idea for this post, I had intentions of writing a truly helpful piece for soon-to-be college graduates centered around real life experiences. However, in order to write this post I had to turn to some friends of mine who, unlike myself, have already graduated & are currently in the first few adulting years of their lives… & my vision of creating something (semi-) serious yet practical quickly went out the window. Their responses—although honest & much appreciated (seriously, thanks guys)—were blunt, humorous, insightful, & a true indication that a college degree only prepares you for about 10% of your future. (Kinda reminds me of the way high school “prepares” you for college… as in not at all.) The other 90% is left up to you to navigate & the world won’t stop & wait while you stumble through life, attempting to figure it all out.

So here are some of the things they had to say about graduating, lessons they’ve learned in the year(s) since, & the rules of the real world:

(& I promise these are actual conversations that took place between us. I couldn’t make some of this stuff up if I tried)

“Real life sucks. Bills suck.”

“Having to move back home for a bit especially while in school isn’t the worst thing (because no bills…)”

“Travel while you’re still young & unattached.”

“Rent is expensive.”

“Living with your parents is really not fun”

“The biggest bummer for real is not being close to all your friends”

“Don’t open a credit card unless you can actually pay it off.” “Nah credit cards are still necessary even when you’re balance is tipping $1000.” “Yeah, I take that back. Open a credit card specifically for travel.”

“Student loans blow. Living with your parents blows. Living at least 4 hours from everyone you graduated with blows. Don’t graduate.” 

“Move somewhere with friends or get a job at a big company. Life after college sucks everyday because it feels so lonely…& I live by friends & it still feels that way. But being two hours closer to my family is the best thing in the world”

“Don’t get a roommate. Seriously. Work already puts you in a bad mood, then coming home to someone leaving a cereal bowl in the living room makes you want to cry & claw her eyes out.”  “Especially when it’s dog shit… Just casual shit laying on the ground”

“Don’t get a dog unless you can take care of it too… cuz that’s rude”

“Being positive in the workplace will make other people positive & overall you’ll have a way better atmosphere (intern observation)”

“WEAR YOUR RETAINERS.”

“Save money & make a budget. Figure out what’s important to splurge on & where you can save. & if you don’t have credit start building some.”

“Spend more than $5 on wine because #adult”

“Dating is harder than in college cuz you’re not meeting people all the time. Tinder just makes me sad.”  

“Staying at home (as much as it sucks) helps so much to start saving money, especially if you want to move to a big city.”

 

“Sitting at a desk all day is super unhealthy. Keeping connected with friends & having good relationships is super important but really difficult. Not learning something new everyday actually sucks. I didn’t realize how much I learned going to classes & now I’m just kind of doing the same thing every day. Doesn’t seem right.”

“Make a money plan right away & stick to it. Have goals for yourself on how much you want to save (open a savings account right away if you don’t have one) by the end of 6 months, a year, etc.”

“I’m gonna throw this out again real quick… DON’T GET A ROOMMATE YOU’VE NEVER LIVED WITH”

“You have to use your time so wisely because work is basically all of your time & it leaves me actually depressed every night because this is the rest of my life… Also, I have no idea how people have full time jobs & kids at the same time… blows my mind.”  “People in my class also work & have kids, uhh I barely have time to cook my own dinner”

“Just going to bars isn’t really fun. Work isn’t challenging & the weekends are the only time you can really be curious about new things & try them & learn.” “And you realize how lame you are. I literally never go out because I am too lazy to go all the way downtown (20 minute drive) & I would see my high school teachers at bars here” 

“Understand rent takes all your money. Literally all of it. You get paid to pay your rent as shitty as that sounds. What’s left over is yours to a) save b) feed yourself c) enjoy yourself. Have a budget to spend on yourself because life is about living & you can’t sit at home alone on your days off!”

“But having an income with nothing you really need to spend it on gives you unrealistic views of life post-grad”

“Med school isn’t as fun as undergrad. It’s a lot of teachers tearing you down & putting you in your place. Super delayed gratification. Also just living on loans feels like Monopoly money that you can just spend because you have it but that’s bad. If you want to be humbled go to med school”  “…also I’ve started thinking in bullet points cause who has time for complete sentences”

“On a positive note about the real world, I’ve found it to be a lot more freeing. In turn I am like 1000x less stressed & can actually focus on things that make me happier! It’s a cool thing to work & get paid & then pay your taxes (as much as I hate them) & rent & realize you have control over everything. It’s 100% your life & your money & you don’t have to depend on anyone else. To finally feel like an adult & know you can somehow pull off survival in the real world is cool.”

“It feels like there is more freedom to let go of things that don’t serve you… I wish pole dancing wasn’t frowned upon though”

“Take a year off after graduation because the real world is always gonna be there waiting.”

“Pull a Carol & don’t adult in America too soon.”

 

Even though these weren’t the responses of wildly successful millennials who have somehow figured out ways to beat the system that is essentially unbeatable, it is my hope that you can take away at least one thing from them…

I don’t really know what that one thing would be so you’ll have to figure it out for yourself, just like every other adult in this world, but good luck!

 

If I Hear “New Year, New Me” One More Time…

Ahhh, it’s that time again.

The time of the year when everyone suddenly decides they’re going to turn over a new leaf & spontaneously blossom into the person they’ve always dreamed of becoming.

 

Riiiiiight.

 

As far as I can tell, being an adult is doing a lot of stuff you really don’t want to do but pretending to be thrilled about it anyway. Below are a few resolutions, most of which I have set for myself for 2016, that I feel pertain to the Millennials of today as well as to most of the generation that came before us. The resolutions are detailed enough to be helpful (I hope) & yet are non-specific/time-insensitive enough that my fellow procrastinators can put most of them off until December 31st, 2016 & still feel accomplished when the beginning of 2017 rolls around.

 

• Put your phone down & turn off the TV. This is a big one for me. I’m emotionally & physically attached to all of my electronics as well as to my Netflix account. But locking myself in my room, binge watching New Girl for the hundredth time, & scanning Pinterest for “tips to increase productivity” is apparently considered antisocial these days. So let’s all take a break from technology, especially the black hole that is social media.

Ditch the phone when you’re out with others & engage in REAL conversation. Write someone a handwritten letter & mail it to him or her. I mean come on guys, the postal service needs our support & I think it’s about time we show that Gen Y can speak in more than abbreviations & emojis.

 

 

 

• Volunteer. As in do something in which you selflessly give a part of yourself without getting anything in return. Work at a soup kitchen feeding the hungry, spend time packing boxes at a food bank, or even donate blood. Volunteering is a way to give your time, energy, & assistance to those who truly need it. It’s a great way to meet people, hear interesting stories, & feel as though you’re bettering the world if only for a few hours one Saturday.

 

 

 

• Find a new hobby or interest. Leaving the warm, cozy, probably Wi-Fi accessible, space that is our comfort zone is often easier said than done, but engaging in new activities can lead to new discoveries about ourselves & I guess that’s pretty cool.

 

 

 

• Stop dieting. Being a Nutrition & Exercise Physiology major, this seems like the type of advice I would normally never give, but there’s always an exception to the rule. I hope you’re sitting down because what I’m about to say next may come as a major shock to some of you… Dieting doesn’t work.

For those of you whose jaw has hit the floor, pick it up & take a second to breathe. We’ll get through this devastating news together.

Dieting implies that making a temporary change will create a lifelong result, which is simply not true. Not to mention that most diets are complete crap & some even have the potential to put you farther away from your goals, but that’s a topic for another post. Engaging in a healthy lifestyle is the only way to achieve the results you want, whatever they may be, & to keep yourself healthy. Working out regularly, which is great for stress relief as well as disease prevention (or if you’re like me, for procrastination & the avoidance of responsibilities); eating more fruits & veggies/less fast food & alcohol; & drinking lots of water are some simple things you can do this next year to improve your overall health.

*steps (temporarily) off soapbox*

 

 

 

• Call your mom, sister, grandparents, brother, &/or family more. They just want to know that you’re still alive, eating at least semi-regularly, & showering on occasion so people don’t talk about you behind your back. Show them you care & are thinking about them by taking 10 or 15 minutes out of your Netflix time to reach out.

& just so we’re clear here… no, instant messaging on Facebook or texting memes back & forth does not count. Pick up the phone & call them.

 

 

 

• Cut back on the drinking. Well someone had to say it.

 

 

 

• Give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up about missed opportunities, failed attempts, & skipping the gym for a week (or a month or a year). Love yourself & recognize that you are human, which means life doesn’t always happen the way it should & that achieving perfection is essentially impossible. Don’t dwell on the past, but instead focus on bettering yourself & preparing for future successes.

 

 

 

• Worry less. Stop worrying about what people think. Who decided that the thoughts & opinions of others deserved to have so much power over us? If you’re a chronic worrier (*raises hand*), make a resolution to stop worrying as much. I know that worry & anxiety are feelings that are often hard to control, so that makes this one twice as hard.

Instead of worrying about something you have no control over, focus on what you do have control over… like becoming the person your dog (or cat if you’re one of those people) thinks you are. The world would undoubtedly be a million times better if people had hearts like animals.

 

 

 

• Pay attention & ask more questions. Every day there are indisputably thousands of news stories, stories that you may actually find interesting, that go unreported or unnoticed by most people. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t out there. Take time to search for these things & stay informed on the subjects that intrigue you most.

It’s also important to pay attention to what is happening around the world, not only in the city, state, or country in which you live. So watch or read the news-the real news, not any of the obviously biased media outlets like Fox News. Become more cultured & informed by seeking answers to questions about religions or beliefs that differ from your own or how your way of life differs from that of others around the world.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 15-ish years, you know that the mainstream media has been exceptional at slandering the Islamic religion & instilling fear in the minds of Americans who are uninformed when it comes to the practices of Islam. Most of the coverage & attention is focused on radical Islam, which is not representative of traditional Islamic values & beliefs, but nonetheless creates a stereotype that affects all individuals who follow the Islamic faith in an extremely negative & unfair way.  So maybe before you judge the woman who is still brave enough to wear her burka, niqab, or hijab out in public in an undeniably subjective society, you educate yourself on their true meaning & provenance-again, I suggest doing these things through reliable sources.

 

 

 

• Rid your life of negative energy. Ditch the frenemies. You don’t need people in your life that you have to secretly loathe. Tell them they suck, cut ties, & display your disliking for them publicly like the rest of us. That’s how being an adult works. & for those of you who just asked yourself “Is __(insert name of shitty friend here)__ one of those people?”  Yes, yes they are. That person that just popped into your mind is obviously not a positive influence on your life if you’re questioning their intentions & loyalty. Wouldn’t it just be easier to eliminate them from your life & focus the energy you were investing into that so-called friendship into something more worthwhile?

Try replacing your negative, self-destructing thoughts with more positive, affirming thoughts. Knowingly attempt to judge others less & instead be more understanding of things that are unfamiliar to you. Meditate or utilize self-improvement materials & strategies like books/blogs/podcasts if meditation isn’t your thing. These are just a few extremely simple changes that can lead to a happier & less stressful life, which I’m sure most, if not all of us are desperately seeking.

 

 

• VOTE. Sheesh people. No wonder there is such disdain for Americans; we have the right to actually choose our leaders (see: Democracy vs. Dictatorship) & millions of us act like we couldn’t care less. So this is me telling (yes, telling) those of you who constantly ignore the fact that you have a voice in choosing the direction of this country, yet are the first to criticize & complain about what a politician did or said, to stop. Just stop. Follow the elections, educate yourself about the beliefs & policies of different candidates & parties, take a side based on your opinions/beliefs, & then go vote on Election Day.

Only after you do those things will you be somewhat justified in publishing your harshly opinionated & grammatically incorrect Facebook status on a political controversy.

 

Disclose some of your personal New Year’s Resolutions for 2016 with me!

 

Have a happy New Year y’all!

 

Somewhere Between Here & There

When you’re a college student, especially one approaching the long-awaited finish line, your life is not measured in minutes, hours, days, & weeks, but classes, exams, finals, & semesters instead. These last 16 weeks (as you may have guessed from my complete lack of posting since July) have been the most overwhelming & trying weeks of my college career as well as my life.

I went from living with 10 of my best friends in a cramped & noisy convent (literally) to living with only one of them in a nice, clean, & eerily quiet apartment. I somehow found myself enrolled in 19 hours (see: horrible decision #183651), & what better time to begin panicking about applying to graduate school & obtaining a nearly perfect GRE score than on a day when you have four exams, a paper, & 7 hours of class?

I swear my brain is wired this way…

1. Act as though everything is casual & progressing at an appropriate rate, no matter the reality of the situation
2. Live carefree & convince yourself that you have this whole adult thing handled. “Pshht. Who said college was hard?”
3. Wake up (late, of course) on the busiest Monday of the semester & suddenly realize you forgot about two research papers, a group project meeting, feeding your friends turtle, paying your utility bill, & finishing that thing for work you promised to do a week & a half ago
4. COMPLETELY. FREAK. OUT.

 

Anyone else out there have a self-destructive subconscious that decides to manifest at the worst possible time? Really hoping I’m not alone on this one.

If there was anything that this semester taught me, it was that working smarter rather than harder, is crucial to achieving success in any facet of life & sadly, it is a talent that I do not possess. I learned to never underestimate the true value of “me time” & of getting more than two hours of sleep a night. I learned that more espresso doesn’t always equal more happiness (this one really hit me hard) & that I don’t ever want to be the smartest person in a room.

I discovered that perfection really is just an idea & a trap that should be avoided, especially by extremely high-anxiety individuals like myself. As Millennials, we have tendency to strive for & expect perfection, no matter how impossible it truly may be. I’m admittedly one of the worst when it comes to this, but when I find myself trying to do it all & repeatedly falling on my face,  I remember something my dad used to say: “Pick your battles, Jessica.” Granted, he would usually say this when I wanted to argue about diminutive discrepancies in order to avoid discussing the big issue at hand, but I believe it’s applicable nonetheless.

Now that I’m older, I take this saying to mean something a little more. Why should we aim to be good at everything instead of focusing on being absolutely phenomenal at one thing? I truly admire people that want to do it all & I fully acknowledge that a select few individuals actually can do it all. But at what point do we stop living for the recognizable success or the stories we’ll be able to tell, should we slow down long enough to share them, & start living for our own personal happiness?  When it comes to achieving our goals, when did what we get become more important than what we become? If we become exceptional in a field that we’re truly passionate about as an individual, won’t the other aspects of our life just kind of fall into place?

I can’t answer any of those because I have yet to become phenomenal or exceptional at anything, but for now that’s what I’m telling myself-that it’ll all work out. 

This blog is titled Twenty-Something & Trying because that’s honestly all I am at the moment, & I mean that in the best, most forward-looking way. I have no degree other than high school, I have no credentials, awards, achievements, or letters after my name, & I have no career or accomplished long-term goals to hang my hat on.

I intend to work excitedly toward obtaining all of those things along with much much more in the upcoming years, but for now I think I’ll just appreciate the time I have left being caught somewhere between here & there.