It doesn’t wait until you’re ready. It doesn’t care that you have a million other things going on in your life. It doesn’t take into account the fact that you have a great family, amazing friends, & dreams of becoming a humanitarian, animal advocate, & overall do-gooder who changes the world.
If mental illness waited until you were ready, it would be waiting forever.
Imagine the mental stress of trying to understand quantum physics or memorize the sequence of the entire human genome. As fast as you possibly can. All day, every day. That’s what having anxiety is like. It’s a mental exhaustion that never goes away, not even when you’re sleeping. Your mind is trapped in a cycle of negative cognitions that perpetuate one another & attempting to end the cycle only speeds it up. It’s not only mentally exhausting, but physically as well. You fidget non-stop. You repeatedly tap your feet, touch your hair, click your pen. Sitting still is an impossible & miserable task that makes you feel just as exhausted as the constant movements do. You care about everyone & everything.
Now pair all of that with the mind-numbing emptiness & paralyzing darkness that is depression. The overwhelming sadness & complete lack of motivation to do anything, speak to anyone, or go anywhere that isn’t under your covers occupies every inch of your mind that isn’t already being taken over by anxiety. You feel everything & nothing all at once. You feel like you’re standing in the middle of an overgrown forest with only a pair of scissors to help you cut your way out & escape.
This is my life.
Anxiety & depression didn’t wait for me to have a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad month before making its unwanted appearance in my life. I think it’s always kind of been there; but when you throw in the added stress of college classes, relationships, part-time jobs, & trying to plan your entire life when you can’t even wake up on time, you’ve created the perfect place for mental illness to unpack its bags, kick its dirty feet up on your new white couch, & take over your life.
The stigma that accompanies mental illness is one that I wish so badly to erase completely. Mental illness is no different that any other ailment & most often times those who are affected by it continue to suffer in silence rather than seek help for fear of judgment & shame. I never wanted to be someone who was labeled as mentally ill, depressed, or “emotionally unstable” so I completely ignored my issues, hoping that I would wake up one morning & they would be gone. Well that definitely didn’t happen.
If anything, things only got worse. I found myself locked in my room constantly, completely uninterested in school, & barely eating anything. I didn’t care about my friends, working out, or anything that I had previously taken pleasure in. It was taking every ounce of energy I had just to appear normal. I thought that was just life. I thought that my problems were not real problems & that I was just being a combination of dramatic, lazy, & self-absorbed. The fact that I had nothing-no big, catastrophic life event or personal loss-to be sad or anxious about led me to believe that any doctor would essentially laugh in my face if I sought help. & I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I finally got so tired of feeling the way I did that I made an appointment to see someone. The anxiety I experienced leading up to the appointment had me in the fetal position for hours & I considered canceling at least 15 times. How was I supposed to tell someone I have never met before that I don’t like myself & can’t seem to find a reason for living when I can barely make eye contact with people I’ve known for years? What if he tells me there’s nothing wrong with me? Or worse, what if he thinks I’m crazy?
Thankfully, neither one of those things happened. He acknowledged that I do actually have real problems but that there are real solutions to those problems as well. He listened, asked questions, & handed me tissue after tissue as I cried for reasons I can’t explain to this day (& anyone who knows me will tell you that I despise emotions & definitely do not cry). From that appointment on, things just continued to get better. I was prescribed medication & made follow-up appointments to discuss my progress & the effectiveness of the medications every month. Slowly, I got my life & my happiness back. I didn’t truly realize how horrible I had felt until I just didn’t anymore. I still have bad days but that really is just life & I can’t imagine where I would be if I had canceled that appointment & continued living the way I was.
So this is my advice for anyone dealing with any kind of emotions, feelings, or issues they don’t understand: talk to someone-anyone-because people in your life care about you & I guarantee you aren’t the only one feeling this way. Those feelings won’t go away, they aren’t your fault, & the sooner you address them the sooner you can begin living a life that you wake up every day loving. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help, taking medication, or going to therapy in order to become your best self. You’re worth it & you deserve it.
*I’ve been working on this post for quite a while now, trying to decide when the best time to publish it would be. This morning, as I was about to leave for class I had panic attack. The thought of going out there & seeing people made me lose it. I just couldn’t do it, even though I had been completely fine with the idea five minutes earlier. So the right time just happened to find me & my anxiety told me yet again that it will never wait for me to be ready.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness, below is a list of links to resources that can provide information & assist you in getting help
National Institute of Mental Health website
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website
National Alliance on Mental Illness website
Anxiety and Depression Association of America
Twenty-Something & Trying 